My Wife Can’t Wear Push-up Bra, By Funke Egbemode
A younger friend of mine gave me a ride the other day and I learnt a lot from the experience. Trust Lagos traffic jam to show up like an unwanted pregnancy all the time. We had only had about seven minutes smooth drive when we found ourselves at a minor accident scene.
A young lady and a man were having a shouting match right in the middle of the road. The man had ‘brushed’ her car while impatiently trying to move from one lane to the other. Lagos drivers, by some logic, have all concluded that not all lanes will take them home. So, they move from one lane to another per minute until they get into trouble. Like this gentleman and his Lexus car.
The young lady was really angry, throwing her arms round and speaking real ‘fone.’ She must have lived abroad for a while.
Somehow, I noticed that while I was angry and hissing about the inconsiderate attitude of both the offender and the offended right in the middle of Mobolaji Bank-Anthony Way, my friend had a smile and sneer on his face. Then he blurted his lustful thought in ‘Waffi tone’ – “Come, see as this girl set. See wetin she pack for front and back.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or smack the sneer off his face
“Really? We are stuck in traffic not knowing when these two selfish people will end their drama, and all you can see is a woman’s curves!”
“Aunty, we are already stuck, I’m just making the best of a bad situation.”
“Guy, you are not okay o. When did you become this unserious being?”
“I’m serious too many hours of the day and you know what they say about all work and no play? Let me just enjoy what’s in front of me.” He was laughing now.
“Sorry o Aunty, how are you women able to breathe when you wear the kind of bra this woman is wearing? Look at how she packed her body.”
“Well, there’s something called body shaper, push-up bra, corset waist trainer. Doesn’t your wife wear them too?”
Both husband and wife are like my little brother and sister.
Bobo told me he didn’t know. How can a man not know if his wife wears or doesn’t wear body shaper? I didn’t understand.
“You want me to ask Mobola myself? You know I will?”
Then he confessed.
“Let me tell you the truth, I don’t like her wearing those things. I don’t like other men ogling her. She’s my own. So I do not encourage her to wear those hard things.”
“But you were ogling another man’s property just now.”
I pointed out, still trying to process how the mind of my friend works. But didn’t the Bible establish it that the heart of man is desperately wicked, no one can know it? I guess that was an instance.
Seriously, men are like tough puzzles when it comes to the women in their lives. See my friend here, he wants his wife to let all of her ‘stuff’ hang natural and loose but he drools when he sees women wearing corsets and half-cups. Doesn’t he know that what’s hanging unpacked is more accessible and naturally attractive to some men? I have heard colleagues in the newsroom say curious things about full-breasted women.
“Who needs a pillow when you have those big things in your bed? Me I prefer to rest ‘in between’ them. You should try it sometime. There’s no better anti-stress therapy.”
And this: “The baby and I won’t have a serious quarrel when Mama is that endowed. The baby grabs one. I grab the other.”
Look, that your wife is not packing and cinching guarantees nothing. There are men who love them unpacked. They like the fact they don’t have to imagine what’s behind the masquerade masks. All they have to do is get to work if they really want to ‘work your wife’.
I’m not trying to make men feel bad, just reminding them of the taste of their own medicine.
Men like varieties, right? They insist variety is the spice of life. Good, I agree with them. But when men steal, they steal from other men, yes? We poor women just get caught in the middle. So dearie, enjoy what the good Lord has given you. (If you asked her of the Lord, that is). Stop the double face, like what you like and stop pretending. How did you intend to stop other men from leering when you leer too? Stop making rules that make your woman uncomfortable and less of herself. Stop making yourself miserable by imagining nonexistent monster in every corner.
If you say she shouldn’t wear makeup because it’s ungodly. Oga, are you sure that’s the only reason your wife should not use a little foundation and brown powder or you are scared to death it will make her more attractive to other men? Poor you. Do you know how many men out there are exactly like you? Yeah, they also love makeup-less face. So, if you are so possessive you can’t see that, there is not much we can do to help you but pray for your deliverance from the spirit of whatever .
Years ago, I met a guy who I thought was one of the most sophisticated dudes I’d met. He spoke with a British accent because his parents went to the United Kingdom when he was only five. Great job, power dresser and well above-average income but I was shocked when out of the blue he told me he liked women who wore their hair natural and wove them. My jaw dropped right on the floor. Twenty years abroad and he wanted an all back weave and “Shuku” (Yoruba woven ponytail). Oyinbo guy? Imagine. Could that not be the reason why men after paying for expensive Brazilian and bone-straight wigs want their women in bed with the all back weave Wig off? They want unfettered access to the scalps of their women. They want to run their fingers up and down her head. We all understand what I’m talking about and the extra kick it gives men.
If a man, so invested in this possessive nature, concludes that because he doesn’t want another man to look at his wife, she should keep her hair virgin, what will he do with men who share his taste for ‘shuku ologede’ (the special Yoruba woven ponytail)? A thief is always suspicious of his fellow thieves. That is the problem, and the fact that an executioner doesn’t want anyone swinging a sword even playfully around his head.
If you love your woman, don’t cage her because you are a thief wary of fellow thieves. The consequences are never nice. The caged woman is always looking for a way out of her cage, and if and when she does find it, you can’t put the leash back on her or a new lid on the cage. Once she’s the one who releases herself, she’s like spilled wine. Done and gone.
Summary of today’s sermon. You need not cut your nose to spite your face. Don’t abbreviate your our own pleasure by hiding your wife’s curves. If you are not a thief, what are you afraid of? Trust her, trust yourself. Enjoy your things.
